Today I bawled in front our Physical Therapist after she said "I have been working with Abram since June and I have rarely heard happy sounds come out of his mouth!". Please let me clarify that I wasn't crying about what she said but the fact that she gets it! It was important for me to hear that someone else can see that something isn't right. It's not that I needed to have my thoughts justified but it felt good to hear that come out of someone's mouth, especially when that someone spends more time with our son than the majority of our family! It was important for someone to be honest with me about how they see things. In fact, if it weren't for a dear friend of mine telling me that what my son was doing was *not* normal at 9 months, I am convinced that I would have lost my damn mind. (Thank you, Lacy. I will always be grateful for that conversation. That meant more than you will ever know!) I feel that honesty is an important part of this life and that sugar coating things doesn't help much other than make the sting of disappointment burn that much stronger. So, while I was trying to happily tell our son's Physical Therapist about how wonderful our wedding was and how excited I was to go see a Neurosurgeon and new Neurologist on Wednesday; I ended up in tears. As we were discussing what needs to be brought to the new Doctor's attention and asking her opinion on what items of importance should be noted - she also informed me that she believes that he is in some sort of pain/discomfort all of the time from his brain lesion. You wouldn't think that someone would be happy to hear that but I was. Not happy to hear that my son is hurting...... but happy that someone acknowledges and confirms it. The fact that this wonderful woman who came into our life (who has nothing but the best intentions for our son) and whom has been working with Special Needs children for decades tells me that something isn't right, was exactly what I needed to hear. What's even better is the fact that she is going to write up a little something for us to take to the Neurologist as she has been working with and observing his behavior for months and knows him better than most. Please know that there is a big difference between being honest and being hurtful. Having someone tell you that your child is hurting and that his behaviors are not normal is honest and a much needed discussion. Having people say that your child's teeth grinding, whining, crying, etc is annoying is hurtful just as is having people comment on how or what your son eats and drinks from. I realize that most of the comments are coming from a place of love and are not meant to intentionally hurt. I am not writing this to point fingers or make anyone feel bad. I just want people to understand how things are. Informing us that our son is fussy, clingy and a mama's boy is not helpful and it really hurts our feelings. I love that my son loves us so much and wants to be around us because some day he won't want to be. At night when he has woken me up for the fifth time and I have gone weeks without more than a few hours straight of sleep.... I remind myself to keep calm and I stare at his little face and realize that just in a matter of years he will no longer want to be held or rocked and that right now he needs me and that is okay. That doesn't mean that I don't have days where I need to walk away and scream into a pillow because it is too much because I do have those days but it does mean that when the people we love look at him negatively because of his Special Needs it hurts. Yes, he is fussy. He has always been fussy. He might always be fussy. However, right now he is a BABY and he can't tell us what hurts. Please remember that he has a Cystic Lesion in his brain that is symptomatic.... it is a very real thing that only 1.5% of the population has to deal with and it is incredibly rare for a Pineal Cyst to be as large as our son's cyst is. It is so uncommon that every single specialist we have seen has had both a differing opinion than the specialist before them. He isn't walking because he has Hypotonia. He literally just started crawling and wasn't able to hold his own bottle until he was 9 months old because his muscle tone was so low. It's not because he is lazy or because I haven't tried. He has foot braces and Physical Therapy six times a month for a reason and it is helping immensely. He has come so far in just four months time with the help of Early Access. He grinds his teeth because he has sensory issues and he is getting some sort of feedback from it. What it is we do not know but making rude comments about it isn't going to get him to stop. Yes, it makes my skin crawl too but there is nothing that I can do about it. He also likes to scratch things, has no fear, gags on rubber, won't touch/eat things with particular textures and he absolutely will not eat or drink anything cold and acts like it is torturous. Guess what? I can't do anything about that either other than help him try to get over those things little by little. I don't know why he is that way... he just is. Hearing people say negative things about him because he does those things hurts my heart deeply. I guess I just needed to put this into the world: Please remember to think before you speak. What you say to parents about their children can be hurtful and taken the wrong way with even the best intentions. Try to put yourself the other person's shoes before making commentary on someone else's child's behaviors, especially so when that child has Special Needs. Today was a pretty good day. Abram had his first private Physical Therapy appointment at Child Serve that went really well. He seemed to really like his therapist and didn't start getting fussy until the very end but it involved the touching of a rubbery item which always seems to send him over the edge! This little man definitely has some sensory issues with items made of rubber and things that are squishy! The best part about the PT was the fact that his therapist was so impressed by how much he had improved since his evaluation! Since June he has been able to sit up, pivot and go from sitting to hand-and-knees and back! So, he is getting all new goals written for him which is a great feeling! Then he had his Occupational Therapy at home today as well! The two therapists that come for that are so enjoyable and Abram likes playing with them. Today they brought him a great sensory toy that involved a container of rice and toys in which he wanted nothing to do with but he did show them how he likes to take toys out of containers and bang them together which was one of his short-term goals so this kid is rockin' it lately! All of the therapists were excited to hear that Abram did his first "crawling" yesterday. He didn't go far but he definitely crawled and we were so very excited to see him do that! Of course, he would not replicate it for anyone today but just seeing him do that was such a HUGE deal to us! He is still not weight-bearing on his legs but that will come with time. He's got to get the crawling down first and then the weight-bearing and walking will come. With his new little foot braces and the exercises I was shown to do with him, he should be making great strides by his second birthday! I'm hoping he proves us all wrong and walks by the Holidays but I don't want to jinx him. He's just been such a badass little boy lately! He has taught me so much about the value of patience! The best news of the day came from our Neurologist today who informed us that Abram's cyst is hopefully "benign". So for now, his diagnosis is NOT cancer which is a big relief. He does still have that thing in his brain and it can grow but at least with it not being cancerous gives us more time to save money and more time to research who the best-of-the-best is when the time comes to get the cyst out of his little noggin. The scary part was when I asked him if the cyst could turn into cancer and he told me that he couldn't say. (Again, this is a justifiable concern as it just happened to the only other male born on my father's side.) The worst part is the fact that that thing is in my son's head and the only answer we have right now is to wait for it to grow. No one wants to open up a child's head when as of now, the only symptoms he has are hypotonia and farsightedness. So, we were told just to wait and see if Abram complains of headaches (once he starts talking) and to make sure he isn't "walking around like a drunk person". The only way that they will recommend him for surgery is once that cyst starts compressing on things and causing other life-threatening issues like Hydrocephalus. It's all so scary and frustrating. So... the only thing we can do is hurry up and wait and in the mean time just keep on working away at his developmental issues! Yep! So that's where we are everyone! Good news with bad news and the unknown... but we are doing everything that we can for this little man to have a good life and that is all that matters! His fall/winter will be filled with lots of appointments as he will be getting Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy twice a week and once his Speech Therapy goes into effect we'll be having even more appointments. When I closed my shop I was really torn and heartbroken but now I know that I made the right decision. Everything fell into place for a reason. I am lucky beyond belief that I have a soon-to-be husband that makes it so that I can be home with our kiddo and take him to all the places that will benefit him the most. I definitely believe that all things happen for a reason and that maybe some day we will know why Abram has had to go through so much at such a young age but until then.... we'll just keep working hard to make him as happy as can be! Thanks for reading - and for caring! xoxo Hello, Everyone! It seems like a lot has happened since my last post. Abram had his high contrast MRI (for which we are still waiting on the results), he got his first pair of foot braces (AKA as "AFOs) and his first pair of glasses came in. It seemed like a lot for the little kiddo to take in so we're weaning him onto both slowly and never at the same time! This morning, I took him outside for the first time with his new glasses and instead of repeatedly trying to rip said glasses off of his face he actually took the world in with amazement and it involved a lot of crazy cackling! I think it overwhelmed him though and he soon got grumpy, did a crazy cry I have never heard before and he is currently down for a nap! It was just so cool to see that the glasses made such an improvement in the way he can see the world. It is so obvious by the way he is in awe that it truly did make a difference and I am hoping that maybe with the improvement in his vision that perhaps his fine motor skills will improve and hopefully it will help with his sensory issues too! This poor kiddo is terrified of anything squishy, slimy or rubbery and can't even bring himself to touch a banana although he loves to eat them. Ironically, a taste of a chocolate chip cook made him drool it all out in disgust and gag so that was pretty weird considering I love all things sweet and tasty and my boy loves his veggies - which is AWESOME! He wouldn't even eat his cupcake on his Birthday! Anyhow, the glasses have amazed me and I can't wait for when he gets used to them enough that he's not constantly trying to tear them off between moments of having his mind blown about how awesome things are now that he can actually see them! I am so glad that the Opthamalogist decided to put him into glasses earlier than we had planned! You can see a video of his first time outside with his glasses by clicking here! In addition to his new world-view, his AFO's have also been a pretty huge eye-opener for me! As most of you know, Abram also has hypotonia as well which has resulted in extremely low muscle tone in his legs and arms. He receives Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy for that but it really seems like these little foot braces will really be making a huge difference in his mobility. When we went to go pick them up and the Orthotic Doctor put Abram in his AFOs and his sweet red and black New Balance sneakers he asked for me to have Abram stand, to which I replied that he can't bear weight on his legs. He asked "Can't or won't" and I tried to explain to him how he never has, how he always bends in half and cries as if it hurts him. However, as I was saying this, I felt Abram's feet hit the ground for the first time and his knees didn't buckle and he did not bend in half! Then, he actually bent at the knees and straightened his legs again as if finally feeling what the ground is supposed to feel like for the first time.... and all of the hair on my arms stood up at once and I had tears rolling down my cheeks! He collapsed in half immediately after but I felt my son feeling his own power for the first time and it was unbelievable. I cannot wait to see where this child is going to be in the next few months. They don't think that he'll walk until he's about two (and that is okay)! It's just such a thrill to see him blossoming and getting that sense of self! This little boy blows my mind every single day. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks and I don't really know why. Well, I know why.. I have a hundred different reasons to cry but today it just seems like my seams are coming unstitched a bit. Things have been hard since the moment Abram came into this world. I have been trying my hardest to handle the hurdles in our life with as much grace as possible but I have my moments (days, hours, seconds) of just sheer agony and a lot of weeping and then I feel guilty because so many other moms/families have it harder than we do. Yet then there is this anger.... resentment (?)... jealousy of the life that my little boy will never have. I try my hardest not to cry or feel sorry for my family and for my little boy but today is one of those days where I want to run outside and scream at the sky about how god damned unfair it all is and how angry I am. Since my last post we saw an Orthopaedic Surgeon and Abram just underwent his second "high contrast" MRI yesterday. The Orthopaedic Surgeon informed us that Abram's Hypotonia is the result of nerve damage due to his difficult birth. We were informed that he may never walk and told us that we "could do Physical Therapy until we were blue in the face" and that it wouldn't make a difference. He told me that Abram's hypotonia has more to do with time and the nerves having to re-route themselves. I was heartbroken and left feeling defeated. Abram will never know the difference in what he can and cannot do but as his mama it is painful to see other kids enjoying things while my little boy doesn't really seem to enjoy much. It hurts me to see that he doesn't take enjoyment in the things normal kids enjoy and it's hard to have play-dates when he cries at any high-pitched noise because it literally physically hurts him to hear them. I feel pretty alone and lost on the inside. Most of Abram's days have been hard ones. This poor kid has never gotten a break. He has almost always been in pain and fussing. Only, the part that is the worst is that he can't tell me what hurts. He can't tell me what is bothering him. All he knows to do is to cry and to fuss and all that I know is there is nothing that I can do right now to make him more comfortable. He always seems to be hurting and I don't know how to help him or how to make it better. There is no pill to make my kid feel better. There is no magic potion to help him with his Hypotonia. There is no cure for that god damned thing growing in his brain (other than the very dangerous and invasive brain surgery he will have to endure). I am literally unable to do the one thing all moms are supposed to be able to do and that is to make my little baby boy feel better. So if you are reading this and you have a healthy child... be thankful. Rejoice in the fact that your child can walk, talk, run and play. Remember that when your child has the flu, a bad day or a toothache that those things will pass and most likely for you - tomorrow (or next week) will be a better day. Right now, I guess I just feel lost. RIght now, I want to yell WHY ME?! WHY MY CHILD?! But then I have to remember that somewhere.... someone doesn't have their son or daughter. I have to remember that even though things are hard that this life is a gift and I have to try to enjoy every single moment as much as I can. I have to remember that although Abram's life won't be easy.... that it's his life to live and I cannot and will not succumb to self pity and anger and regret for what could have been for him. These are the unfortunate cards my son has been given and we will overcome it or live with it. There is no other option. I have my son. I have my family. I have my friends. I have an incredible support system and people that care. I have a lot to be thankful for. I also have the right to have a bad day. It's so hard to go through all of this without hitting an emotional bump in the road. For now... we wait for the results of that second MRI and hope for the best. |
About MeHello! My name is Erin. I am Abram's mom, a tireless advocate for UBE2A Deficiency Syndrome and a fierce proponent for medical cannabis. MOST POPULAR BlOG ENTRYJOIN US
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