Last Friday, my family along with another Iowa family had the great opportunity to meet with US Senator Charles Grassley. The Senator was gracious and allowed us twenty minutes to discuss with him the obstacles our children have faced in regards to their medical history, lack of seizure control before CBD and to discuss the Compassionate Access, Research Expansion, and Respect States Act of 2015, also known as the CARERS Act. Many people in Iowa don't quite understand the gravity of the matter when it comes to US Senator Grassley's involvement in medical cannabis. To our family, not only is Senator Grassley an Iowan, he also sits as Chairman of the Committee on the Judiciary and holds the key to families like mine gaining legality at the Federal Level. Without Senator Grassley allowing the CARERS Act to a vote in the Senate, families like ours will continue to fear being prosecuted at the Federal Level regardless of our state's laws. Senator Grassley was kind enough to get down to the details on the CARERS Act right away. He shared many of his concerns with this bill including the worry that by allowing each state the right to create their own marijuana laws, that the United States would inevitably end up with 50 different marijuana laws. The Senator feels that it is important for marijuana laws to have uniformity regardless of the fact that 23 states already have legalized some form of marijuana. Senator Grassley also shared his concern that smoking marijuana is not supported by medical research. However, the type of medicine we use for our children comes in an oil form and is taken sublingually. The Senator also discussed that he did not care for the banking section of the CARERS Act at all. When I asked if that part of the bill could be discussed and changed if it were allowed to go to vote in the Senate, he said that it could. So as a parent, I am having a hard time fathoming why the CARERS Act is not being allowed to be sent to the Senate for a vote when the items that the Committee on the Judiciary find concerning would actually be up for discussion at that point. As we chatted, our families talked to Senator Grassley about the side effects our children have faced due to pharmaceutical drugs. Abram's quality of life seriously diminished after he was prescribed Clonazepam, a benzodiazepine. I shared with the Senator that according to the FDA, there is no clinical trial experience with Clonazepam in patients under 18, that 30% of the trial patients had nervous system damage resulting in Ataxia, and that the adverse side effects on mental development could not become apparent until many years later. At that point, I presented the Senator with a little informational brochure. The imagery shows the regression of my son on too much benzodiazepine and the progression he made with the addition of the CBD. You can see in Abram's eyes that his life was improving. While looking at this image the Senator's eyes widened and he said: "You really CAN see a difference, can't you?" In addition to the FDA's trials on the particular drugs that reeked havoc on Abram's health, I also brought along the patent held by the United States Department of Health and Human Services that proves that Cannabinoids are safe and non-toxic up to 700mg. Abram only needs a small .10mg dose twice daily to have 100% freedom from physical seizures. I asked Senator Grassley why marijuana was still on the list of Schedule I Drugs when their Patent 6630507 proves marijuana in fact does have medicinal value but I did not get an answer. Senator Grassley just reiterated that there is a lot of movement towards medical marijuana and that research on CBD is not on federal barriers. He reminded us that he and Senator Feinstein wrote letters to the Department of Justice and the Department of Health and Human Services asking them to classify CBD separately from the whole marijuana plant. He also reminded us that the federal government also removed the Public Health Review process that marijuana researchers had to undergo, a move that has allowed marijuana to be studied under the same amount of restrictions as other Schedule I drugs. To give credit where credit is due, Senator Grassley has taken a few steps in the right direction but we need more action from him and our federal government and passing the CARERS Act to the Senate for a vote would be a great step. I tried to explain that CBD has been great for us and although Abram is seizure-free right now, the reality is that with our son's rare UBE2A gene mutation, the need for stronger medicine will most likely be a reality. (People often mistake Abram not having seizures right now as Abram being "cured" and that he'll never have a seizure again. This thought is foolish and I must clarify that regardless of AEDs and CBD, our son's brain is permanently injured, he has a neuronal migration disorder, already has atrophy in his hippocampus and his brain still fires irregularly all the time during the day and during the night. CBD has managed to keep those electrical shocks from manifesting into physical seizures but make no mistake - free of physical seizures does not mean free of abnormal brain activity.) I tried to explain to the Senator that Abram is doing well right now but as he grows the need for a stronger CBD/THC ratio may become a reality sooner than later and that if/when that need arises I will have to break both state and federal laws to do just that if laws stay the way that they are. I intend to fight for Abram's right to that medicine now in hopes that when he needs it; I won't have to continue to worry about being a Felon by doing so. While CBD doesn't help everyone, it does have the power to save lives. CBD has changed my son's life and it has changed the lives of many children that I know and love. I tried showing Senator Grassley as an example that if CBD helped just 10% of the 50,000 Americans that die each year due to seizures, that he himself would be responsible for saving at least 5,000 epileptic lives each year. Senator Grassley seemed a little exasperated at that number and asked why they would continue to push for these laws when "only" 5,000 lives would be saved. That statement took me off guard for several reasons because sitting right before him were two families and two boys whose lives had been changed immensely by CBD. Our sons' lives would be counted amongst those 5,000 lives. Yet, I couldn't help but to wonder what number of lives the Senator would deem worth saving. I would hope that ONE LIFE would be worth fighting for. While I bit my tongue, the other family spoke up and reminded him that that number was only meant as a representation of the epileptic lives he could save each year and that it didn't even include the impact he could have on the other people who suffer from different debilitating diseases and disorders. Luckily, his exasperation at theoretically "only" saving 5,000 epileptic lives annually made a good point as to why we need broader medical cannabis laws. CBD has changed my life, my son's life and the lives of the family who sat along side us in the meeting with Senator Grassley. Our children are proof of the success that children with seizure disorders can have on CBD. Even the Senator himself could see how CBD has changed the life of my son just by looking at the photos I had given him. Our children are a testament to how well CBD can work. However, CBD doesn't work for everyone and I refuse to fight for just part of a plant when my friend's children are still suffering. I also refuse to stop at CBD only because I myself may find that Abram needs something more as he grows and as his brain develops. Abram's gene mutation is rare and the only other family worldwide known to have this specific gene mutation lost a child at 11 to a seizure. I want to ensure that my son has legal access to whatever he may need - whenever he may need it. Alas, our time quickly ran out and after taking our photos with the Senator we went our separate ways. Many thanks to Senator Grassley for taking the time to meet with our families to discuss how CBD has changed our lives and to try to understand how important broader medical cannabis bills are to families in situations similar to ours. Cannabis is medicine. The government has already proven it. There are families being torn apart and lives being uprooted so people in situations similar to mine can give their child a chance at life. Please, take the time to write to your Senators, your Representatives and your Congressmen. Change needs to happen now and we need your help to stand up for what is right and speak for the little ones who don't have a voice. We are not criminals. We are parents just trying to do what is best for our loved ones, same as you. Much love, Abram's Mama Below is more of the "brochure" I made about Abram. Enjoy. Just before Christmas last week, we received a phone call from our Genetic Counselor at the University of Iowa. Over the summer we had met with a Geneticist again after our son had several new diagnoses and we were thankfully too impatient to wait another year to pursue answers.
The answer to the cause of all of our son's medical diagnoses is officially called "UBE2A X-Linked Mental Retardation." It is rare and we are the first case that the University of Iowa has ever seen. There are only 8 other cases noted world-wide and counting ourselves and another family I was lucky enough to stumble upon via Facebook of all places - that totals just 10 cases amongst just 7 families so far. This has absolutely blown my mind. I will admit that I sobbed through reading the entire case study that was written in 2006. It was hard reading that out of all 8 patients cited in the study that none of them spoke. Other commonalities include my son's pineal cyst, seizures, his "dysmorphic facial features", large fontanelle (that didn't close until he was nearly 3), hypotonia, funky toe nails, puffy feet, skin abnormalities, his intellectual disability, fused horseshoe kidney, seizures and his brain abnormalities as well. We were told that the Geneticists are officially learning from Abram and that there wasn't anything that they could tell us to do besides what we are doing already. Abram has been in multiple therapies a week since before his first birthday and gained the ability to walk just last Christmas. Reading that he may never speak hit me hard but I am doing what I can do to help him communicate the best. We are already in Speech twice a week, have been working on Feeding Therapy for over a year and he has Occupational Therapy as well every week. We are doing exactly what we need to be doing to give our son the best life possible. The SLPs we have working with Abram are amazing: one works towards Neuro-Development with breathing, pressure points and learning some signs while the other works on eye contact and making requests appropriately as well as mimicking gestures and hand-movements. All these tasks require the hand-eye coordination that he needs so badly to be able to sign better vs. approximations and to eventually learn how to use PECS. Searching for an answer and a diagnosis was a difficult task. There are many people out there who feel uncomfortable with genetic counseling and feel that physicians "tear their children apart" visually. When doctors and specialized physicians look at my son they see macrocephaly, dysmorphic facial features, a transverse palmer crease, hypotonia, diastasis recti, hypoplastic toenails, hypotonia and an epileptic. I was honestly RELIEVED when we met our first Developmental Specialist who looked at my child and starting at his head went down his entire body pointing out the physical markers of what she knew to be a part of a bigger picture. We now know that "bigger picture" is the UBE2A gene mutation. With Genetic Counseling comes the discussion that you could pass this on to another child. Abram's condition is "x-linked" which means that the mother is a carrier OR it could happen spontaniously. I plan to get bloodwork done to find out if I carry this gene mutation and what precautions I need to take for my own health, if any. Genetic counseling from here focuses primarily on reproduction. Despite the fact that I personally hadn't planned on having more children - this diagnosis would not prevent me from having another child. The gentle tip-toeing that happens when it comes to diagnoses like this and future pregnancies makes me sad. To think someone would NOT want to have a child because of this diagnosis breaks my heart. This little boy has taught me so much about life, love and to slow down for all the little things. His smile can melt the most bitter heart and his hugs make all my petty thoughts go right out the window. He is Abram and the world has so much to offer him. I would choose him all over again. Without this diagnosis I would have missed out on an entirely different world - a world I could not picture myself without. Does this diagnosis change things for Abram? No. We will have to continue to do what we have always been doing. We will provide all that we can to ensure that he has the best life possible. Will sharing our story possibly help someone else down the road? Yes. Absolutely, Yes! Abram will now inevitably be a patient in a future case study on UBE2A. Optimistically, when another parent reads about "Patient #9", he will give another worried parent hope that their child will be able to do so many more things that the case study states. This is a new syndrome. Perhaps someday it will have a name and it is most likely under diagnosed. So much of Abram's future depends on intervention and therapy now. The only thing that I can do is to continue to share our story and our successes. I hope that by doing so I can meet more people with this diagnosis who are going through similar struggles. I hope that Abram can blow this whole "absent speech" thing out of the water but if he doesn't I will help teach him other ways to communicate. His facial expressions already say so much more than words ever could. Life is too short to concentrate on the things that he cannot do. Abram can light up a room with his smile. His laughter can wipe away any tears. His fierce love (ahem - obsession) of kitties is heart warming. His hugs light up my word. Diagnosis or no.... there is ALWAYS HOPE. With love from Iowa, Abram's Mama **Updated to say this: Even our Geneticist felt extremely uncomfortable using the term "mental retardation". The case study that I was given to learn about my son's condition began by telling me what a burden people with this diagnosis are on society. Sadly, so many people have used the words used to describe a medical condition and use them in a hurtful way towards people. Although this is our son's medical diagnosis - there are better terms for this condition such as "intellectual disability" and I hope that the medical profession catches up. A medical diagnosis is what it is. It isn't anything to be ashamed over. It is a diagnosis and nothing more. It doesn't define our son, nor will it ever define him. Abram is more than a diagnosis and more than a word. If you find yourself using "mentally retarded" as an insult to someone - please think twice about it. You are hurting more people than you know.** Hello, Everyone! I've been trying to make a point of taking a few minutes each day to share something about how Epilepsy affected our family. It's only been a little over a year since we got an official "Epilepsy" diagnosis. However, it has been with us since the day my son was born. Unfortunately, it just took the doctors over three long years to figure it out. As a newborn, my son never stopped screaming, crying, writhing in pain and rarely slept. If he did, it was never longer than a couple of hours and then it was right back to the screaming. Nothing soothed him. Nothing made him feel better, although sometimes the sound of the vacuum would relax him until the moment I dared turn it off. (I read that trick in a colic book.) Our first Pediatrician failed us miserably. He not only missed many genetic markers that are obvious to most other doctors we have met, he brushed off all of my concerns and claimed that I was a "nervous mom" and that my son's issues were nothing more than him "being a little colicky" and "acid reflux". It took the first ten months of his life for someone to listen and even then it was an off-chance meeting with a Pediatrician we'd never met who asked me what was wrong with Abram's eyes and had concerns for his large head. Thanks to that man, we were referred on to Neurology and we started on our journey to answers but they certainly didn't come easy. Since the Summer of 2013, we have seen dozens of specialists including numerous Neurologists, Neurosurgeons, Epileptologists, Nephrologists, Endocrinologists, Geneticists, ENTs, Developmental Specialists, Cranio-Facial Surgeons, Orthopaedic Surgeons, Physiatrists and more. Last month was literally the first month where Abram did not have to go to the Hospital or have any Doctor's Appointments since the day he was born!!! We spent it going on lots of walks, attending all of his therapies, going on a train ride, going on a horse-drawn wagon and checking out a Fire Truck at our tiny town's Halloween shindig. It was incredibly refreshing to have a month off. Yesterday, we traveled to our University Hospital again where we had a follow-up with Abram's Developmental Specialist. She stated that I am doing everything that I CAN do, so that was a relief. We were informed that with the new "Neuronal Migration Disorder" diagnoses that he now qualifies for the Brain Injury Waiver and for the Health and Disability Waiver in our state - so if he should ever outgrow his current Intellectual Disability Waiver - we will have already applied for the other Waivers in hopes of never having a lapse in his care. The Mayo Clinic gifted us an answer after we'd been fighting for so long to get one. I feel lucky that we have a wonderful Pediatrician (she started her own Special Needs Kids' Clinic) who went to bat for us to be able to get us there. It took five long months of waiting to get the referral but it was well worth it. If you are fighting for a Diagnosis for your child, don't give up. I know that it's a long and difficult road. I personally had a lot of people ask me why I wanted a diagnosis, it is just a "label" after all. I cannot disagree more with that thought at all. For us, a diagnoses meant everything. We needed to know what caused our son's Epilepsy and Global Developmental Delays so we could know how to best treat it. What we finally learned at Mayo explained the cause, which in turn can help us with his treatments. The information and "labels" that we got will help us help give him the best possible life by giving him the therapies that he needs the most. Some of his new diagnoses include a Neuronal Migration Disorder (Cortical Dysplasia), issues with his hippocami twisting and Mesial Temporal Lobe Sclerosis. These issues explain nearly all of his other symptoms and diagnoses. There is no treatment or cure for his migration disorder and they types of seizures he suffers from do not have a surgical approach that can help them. What we can do is keep doing what we are already doing: therapy and lots of it. Abram is currently in Speech, Occupational Therapy and Feeding Therapy. He "graduated" Physical therapy when he started walking but he will have to go back within the next couple of years so he can learn how to conquer things like going up and down stairs and jumping. He lost his words with his last round of serious neurological issues last spring and has yet to regain them but he is beginning to make more and more sounds and is finally able to point and use a pincher grasp at 3! Abram's life is changing. It's not easy. It's a lot of work for him but he doesn't know it any other way. His fierce willingness to fight for mobility, to speak and to keep fighting to learn and re-learn how to do that blows any of my life's issues out of the water. This kid is incredible. He's my little fighter. My little badass. My little Abram Mayhem. We finally made it to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota last week. I must once again thank everyone for the help they sent our way in the spring so we were able to afford to stay out-of-town while our son needed to be in appointments throughout the Mayo Campus for the last week.
We FINALLY have an extensive medical team standing behind us and for us. The level of care and compassion at Mayo compared to anywhere in Iowa was beyond any expectations that we had. We did not get good news but it was news we needed to know and it is never easy to hear unexpected results after your child undergoes his fifth sedated MRI at just over 3 years of age. In the last 7 days we met with a new Neurologist, Neurosurgeon, a Geneticist, a Genetic Counselor, a Genetic Researcher, a new Developmental Pediatrician, ENT and Sleep Medicine Physician. My son had to endure an MRI with lumbar puncture, multiple blood draws and a 16-point sleep study and another Video EEG in the last week. They used a different kind of MRI machine on Abram in Minnesota called a 3 Tesla. (You can read about it here.) Basically, this MRI takes thousands of images in comparison to the hundreds that are taken here. Which means a clearer picture of what is going on within Abram's brain, literally. Sadly, they found that in addition to the Pineal Cyst they have also discovered that Abram's brain has multiple abnormalities. It turns out that while he was developing, some of the gray matter in his brain did not "migrate" out to the outside of his brain. So, he has certain types of brain matter within the white matter of his brain that is not supposed to be there and he also has grey matter within his cerebellum. These changes are what they feel are causing Abram's seizures causing him nearly all of his issues including his inability to retain language. They are not sure if he will ever be able to speak but they aren't ruling it out, either. So in that way, we will just keep on doing what we have been doing and immersing him with as much therapy and outside help that we can get. We FINALLY have an SCL and Respite Team that we adore and are working TOGETHER to do the best for Abram. We also have been advised to do a Full Exome Genetic Test. In doing so, it will check all of Abram's Genes and see if there are any abnormalities that the three of us don't share. From there, they can try to narrow it down even more if they happen to catch something. We have joined Mayo's Research Study so any testing that happens after the Full Exome will be covered in full in trade for our DNA. Many people don't understand the point in doing this sort of testing but this is what they need to understand: Genetic Testing is not to figure our what is "wrong" with our child. It is not to be used to point fingers at which parent a child got handed down a gene from. This is about how to prepare for our son's future. This has the potential of not only possibly catching something to help Abram live the best life but it also has the potential to help other families who come after us. Abram's story, diagnoses and genetics has the great chance of helping another child and another family know what to expect. This is about doing what is best for Abram. If they don't find an answer - so be it. If we find a causative gene - we can help pave the way on how to best prepare a family with a similar diagnosis. The EEG found that his brain fires all of the time from all over the place, due to the fact that he has grey matter where it shouldn't be. There is no surgical fix for that type of seizure so it is something he was born with and will always have. In addition, the feel that the pineal cyst is significant and want us to get another scan in 6 months. I was hoping that this would be the last time they would tell me it was "incidental" and "not causing any issues" and we could go on with it. It just sucks is that the reality of it is that it requires constant monitoring. And constant worries about the effects of the Anesthesia on our son. The best news was that when I shared that my son was on CBD and had been 9 weeks seizure free they all didn't look the least bit shocked and were pleased to see that it was working. It was even referred to as an "innocuous drug" and without side effects. I was told that there was NO NEED for the change in meds (in addition to his Clonazepam) and that if nothing's broke - you don't fix it. CBD has given my son the first summer in his life where he was able to enjoy it. He laughed more. He loved more. He got to be a little boy for the first time in his life. He got to run the first time and get a skinned knee at his Grandpa's. He got to go to the splash pad and have fun with other kids. He got to go to the play area at the mall for the first time ever without hightailing it for the car because it was too overwhelming. We didn't get the answers we wanted but we got the ones we needed. I officially know that I am doing all that I can for my son. We officially have a TEAM of medical sub specialists who are willing to help us and take care of our medically complex boy. It has officially been two years since my son came into the world. It blows my mind how fast the years went yet how long the days have felt this entire time. Abram has come so far since his last birthday. Last July he was unable to sit, hold his own bottle or bear any weight on his legs at all. As of his second birthday, he can walk with the assistance of a walker, hold his own sippy cup and loves to cruise around the house via the walls and furniture. The older he gets, the further behind he gets developmentally, so we are still going strong with therapies and he is now starting speech therapy as well.
It is hard to realize that your child will have to work so much harder for all the things other parents take for granted. This doesn't mean that I don't want to celebrate in the milestones of my friend's children because I DO. I always am in awe and excited for the kiddos who were born much later than Abe who are already walkin' and talkin'. I just remind myself that I got lucky because I got to have my little baby be a baby a little while longer than everyone else. (Although, the damaged ligaments in my wrists tell my body otherwise: carrying a 26 pound toddler everywhere is hard work and not easy on the bones. "Getting old is the pits!" my Grandpa used to say. Now I get it.) As most people do, I have been doing a lot of reflecting over the last two years. Abram's Birthday will probably always bring up a host of emotions. I can only hope that someday the trauma of his birth and all that ensued afterward won't sting as much. I often still wonder if the events of his birth and the fallacies of the Hospital in the days following his entry into the world are the cause of his issues but I can't allow myself to linger in those thoughts for long. I will always grieve not remembering holding him for the first time because I was so drugged up after an emergency C-Section that went awry. I will always have the guilt of "what-if" the nurses had attended to his oxygen levels sooner. I will always wonder deep down inside if there was something that I could have done to prevent these issues my son and our lives have had to endure. Not many people have to endure that kind of grief. It is a deep, hollow and echoing grief that sneaks up and slaps you across the face with it's utter bleakness. It is a gut wrenching sadness having a child who can't tell you what hurts because they are unable to speak. It is a never ending heartache not being able to do the one thing a Mama is supposed to do for her child..... the ability to make things better. To not know what is hurting him or what he needs is horrific. To NOT KNOW the name of the thing that has taken over your whole life hurts so bad that sometimes it makes my throat close up in order to stop the tears from flowing. (Like right now as I am writing this.) When people ask what is "wrong" with my son, it. Is difficult to explain because it is not just one thing that affects him. Each little diagnoses that my son has includes a huge list of symptoms that affect his daily life in numerous ways and it is impossible for anyone who isn't living it to even get. That is not to say that other mamas don't have it rough or have a bad day but I think it's hard for people to fathom just what we go through on a daily basis. Unless you've sat on the other side of a two-way mirror to watch your child scream-cry for over a year in order to do something as simple as bearing weight on his legs... you have no idea. Unless you have a child with serious sensory issues there is no way you can get it how much it impacts my son's everything from clothes and eating to playing, socializing and playing. Unless your child has Hypotonia you have no idea how long it takes for my kiddo to reach a milestone. Unless your child has a mass in their brain- there is no way you can get it. (Just how there is no way I can get how hard it is to have an even more medically fragile child. Until you've lived it - you just cannot know.) So, when I say "You are so lucky" to parents of typical children - I mean it. Just like I am so lucky that Abram doesn't have even worse symptoms or diagnoses but I always speak with those parents enduring more than I can imagine - I always speak to them with integrity and respect. So please, if you know someone going through something similar just be kind. Don't make offers to help - Do something. Say something. Be there. I see this a lot in other blogs as well so I know I am not alone in this feeling. Send a card. Send a text. Leave a book for them to read on their doorstep or a silly toy. These are things my friends have done for me. You have no idea how much it cheers someone up to find a dinosaur bath toy, an old silver bowl(who did that btw?) or a Mac Tonight wind-up can do for the soul. NEVER tell a parent with a special needs kid that you have it just as hard if you have a healthy child. I have friends with both typical and special-needs kiddos and they echo this sentiment as well. Parenthood is hard enough for everyone. However, going through a non-stop health crisis since the day your child is born is nothing to scoff at or belittle. I had written a blog entry about Abram's Diagnosis that we received on New Year's Eve. I had made it my mission to find out what 'it' was that was affecting my son's development by the end of 2013. We'd been fighting for an answer since the day he was born in the summer of 2012 and I was not expecting the flood of emotions that I would feel after getting a diagnosis that involves a rare chromosomal disorder due to a micro deletion of Chromosome Seven; labeled as 7q31.31.
This diagnosis explains many of Abram's other diagnosed issues such as global developmental delay, his hypotonia as well as quite a bit of his behavior issues but unfortunately the Macrocephaly and the Cystic Lesion in his brain are unrelated. Alas, we are doing all that we can do to monitor that situation but I must admit that as I was reorganizing Abe's medical records yesterday, my gut dropped to see pineocytoma there in black in white under what we discussed with his Neurosurgeon in November. I think I've been in a bit of a shock. I read and re-read the pamphlet from Unique about the commonalities of diagnoses, symptoms, etc and it was relieving to read quotes from parents who have children with a similar diagnosis. A lot of what seemed unanswerable to most of our doctors was explained, finally. I was prepared to get not so good news and even though these issues of Abe's are life-long problems, it was a big burden off my heart to know officially that this was indeed just how my son was made and not caused by his traumatizing birth. There was nothing I could have done to prevent his disorder and that alone was worth the struggles and fight we had to get here! It hurts deep to know that the things that make your son hurt and struggle cannot be 'fixed' or 'grown out of'. It is world crushing news. It is hard and it hurts and I have days where I felt like I was ready to be okay with it and other days where I wanted to feel sorry for myself, my family and my son. Last Monday, I talked about my feelings with my favorite AEA gal and she made me realize that its okay to grieve, that it IS painful and that in order to move on, I needed to grieve that loss. It was then that I realized I hadn't let myself cry and that my husband and I hadn't even really talked about it. It hurt too bad. Friday we finally talked about everything. l had a good cry and I woke up in a different place and am trying hard to stay there. Abram is a lot more than a long list of symptoms and diagnoses. He is a wonderful, brilliant little boy whose smile lights up the room. He is clever, funny and spontaneous and has already taught me a great deal about the importance of living in the now and the value of patience and persistence. He has come a long way in the last six months and I can't wait to see how far he goes with his therapies in 2014. I am thankful for my little boy and all the amazing people he has brought into it. Motherhood has been a crazy ride so far and I wouldn't change any of it for the world. Hello, Everyone. Today we went and got yet another opinion from our local NeuroSurgeon. He was a very nice man and I cannot complain about him or his bedside manner. He was very kind and concerned but unfortunately he did not have anything new for us to learn. However, at least there is finally some consistency amongst the doctors that I do trust and he denied that there was "fluid all over his brain" like the other Neurosurgeon noted. Luckily, I decided that in order to prevent myself from going absolutely insane I CANNOT concentrate on all of their differences in opinion. I can only focus on the similarities in opinion or continuing care and what will be the best option for our son. Right now the only thing we can do about Abram's cyst is to know the symptoms and signs of any worsening Neurological issues, to call 911 if said neurological issues happen and then to follow-up with another MRI in six months to check for growth. That is it. That is literally our only option. It is a hard pill to swallow but it is what it is and I can't let the weight of that bring me down. Sadly, this fight to get an answer about the lesion in his brain has veered our family off onto another path with what is now assumed to be a "genetic and chromosomal abnormality" in our son in addition to the cystic lesion of the pineal gland in his brain. The brain lesion and all of his "global" developmental delays are completely separate issues needing to be dealt with. It was difficult realizing that something else is causing the rest of his issues when I hoped I would be able to blame his condition on the brain lesion. To hear that your child has a "genetic or chromosomal abnormality" just brings fear to your heart, a million more questions about other defects and most importantly what my child's expected life span is. This realization is especially paintful because there is no "cure" for genetic abnormalities. The only thing the Doctors can do for our son is to offer him symptomatic treatment (which we have already been doing since he was 10 months old), preventative measures for heart defects, etc and to assist his father and I in finding a good support group where we'd be able to meet families going through a similar struggle. I often hear, "I don't know how you do it" as I am sure most parents do. Although for me, it means a little more than a kinder way of saying "your kid wore me out". In fact everyone who has been able to spend a significant time with my son on a bad day has told me that they don't understand how I am functioning and for me it just is a relief to hear that they get it. Obviously no one wants to be the parent with the child that screams non-stop and be the receiving end of all those judgemental people and parents out there but having the confirmation that something isn't right after having to fight so hard the last 16 months is a relief. I have no choice other than to hold back the tears and fight as fiercely as I can to ensure that my son gets the medical attention that he needs and believe me, I have fought. I do it because I am Abram's Mama and I made a committed and purposeful choice in bringing this little boy into the world. It is my job to make him feel better and NOT being able to do that has been the hardest thing I have ever been through and will continue to go through. I just want our son to be able to say that he is proud of us for doing our best and loving him as much as we could. I just want him to live and love life and be happy so hopefully we are finally on the route to more answers so we can help him accomplish all that he wants to and more. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks and I don't really know why. Well, I know why.. I have a hundred different reasons to cry but today it just seems like my seams are coming unstitched a bit. Things have been hard since the moment Abram came into this world. I have been trying my hardest to handle the hurdles in our life with as much grace as possible but I have my moments (days, hours, seconds) of just sheer agony and a lot of weeping and then I feel guilty because so many other moms/families have it harder than we do. Yet then there is this anger.... resentment (?)... jealousy of the life that my little boy will never have. I try my hardest not to cry or feel sorry for my family and for my little boy but today is one of those days where I want to run outside and scream at the sky about how god damned unfair it all is and how angry I am. Since my last post we saw an Orthopaedic Surgeon and Abram just underwent his second "high contrast" MRI yesterday. The Orthopaedic Surgeon informed us that Abram's Hypotonia is the result of nerve damage due to his difficult birth. We were informed that he may never walk and told us that we "could do Physical Therapy until we were blue in the face" and that it wouldn't make a difference. He told me that Abram's hypotonia has more to do with time and the nerves having to re-route themselves. I was heartbroken and left feeling defeated. Abram will never know the difference in what he can and cannot do but as his mama it is painful to see other kids enjoying things while my little boy doesn't really seem to enjoy much. It hurts me to see that he doesn't take enjoyment in the things normal kids enjoy and it's hard to have play-dates when he cries at any high-pitched noise because it literally physically hurts him to hear them. I feel pretty alone and lost on the inside. Most of Abram's days have been hard ones. This poor kid has never gotten a break. He has almost always been in pain and fussing. Only, the part that is the worst is that he can't tell me what hurts. He can't tell me what is bothering him. All he knows to do is to cry and to fuss and all that I know is there is nothing that I can do right now to make him more comfortable. He always seems to be hurting and I don't know how to help him or how to make it better. There is no pill to make my kid feel better. There is no magic potion to help him with his Hypotonia. There is no cure for that god damned thing growing in his brain (other than the very dangerous and invasive brain surgery he will have to endure). I am literally unable to do the one thing all moms are supposed to be able to do and that is to make my little baby boy feel better. So if you are reading this and you have a healthy child... be thankful. Rejoice in the fact that your child can walk, talk, run and play. Remember that when your child has the flu, a bad day or a toothache that those things will pass and most likely for you - tomorrow (or next week) will be a better day. Right now, I guess I just feel lost. RIght now, I want to yell WHY ME?! WHY MY CHILD?! But then I have to remember that somewhere.... someone doesn't have their son or daughter. I have to remember that even though things are hard that this life is a gift and I have to try to enjoy every single moment as much as I can. I have to remember that although Abram's life won't be easy.... that it's his life to live and I cannot and will not succumb to self pity and anger and regret for what could have been for him. These are the unfortunate cards my son has been given and we will overcome it or live with it. There is no other option. I have my son. I have my family. I have my friends. I have an incredible support system and people that care. I have a lot to be thankful for. I also have the right to have a bad day. It's so hard to go through all of this without hitting an emotional bump in the road. For now... we wait for the results of that second MRI and hope for the best. |
About MeHello! My name is Erin. I am Abram's mom, a tireless advocate for UBE2A Deficiency Syndrome and a fierce proponent for medical cannabis. MOST POPULAR BlOG ENTRYJOIN US
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