Looking back, the first realization of bad news was the day our Neurologist called me and told me that our son had a mass in his brain. I was so scared I nearly lost my mind and felt like I had a literal fist in my gut. That isn't news that you should have to hear over the phone and our journey since that day has changed immensely along the way but that original worry is still there. At that time, we were told by a world reknown brain surgeon that the mass (cystic pineal tumor) would require one of the most dangerous types of brain surgery to remove. However, the risks vs the rewards of removing it at the time were too high and although he warned us it would cause him to have seizures, we were nervous and relieved to hear that we needed to wait for "worsening neurological symptoms" to occur before they would remove it. When we visited the Children's Hospital in our own state and we shared our concerns regarding said neurological symptoms and the three hour drive to get to their facility we were told "that's what helicopters are for". Our friends have thrown fund-raisers for us to help us save money for Abram. One lovely lady even shaved her head in his honor and to see the support we had from our friends when we needed it most was the most uplifting part of this entire journey. No matter what we are going through, we have an amazing outpour of support from our friends, our family and our community here at home and online in the special needs community as well. For the longest time, I thought that if we got that mass out of his head, he would be "fine". Alas, our journey has taken us on a different path entirely and I know now (or have come to terms with the fact) that Abram's case is so much MORE than a pineal cyst and that part of his diagnosis is truly a symptom of his actual diagnosis - the UBE2A Deficiency Syndrome. We cannot "fix" or "cure" what is going on in Abram's brain as I once hoped that we would be able to do. There is more going on in his brain with grey matter where it shouldn't be, atrophied hippocampus, suspected mesial temporal sclerosis, etc that cannot be fixed with surgery. With what is commonly referred to as an "incidental finding" with a pineal cyst has become an annual (or even more often) issue of putting our son under a sedated/intubated MRI, kissing him goodbye and hoping that the anesthesia doesn't have a bad impact on his seizures. He had a really hard time coming out of it the last time, so this time - no cannabis in the morning of the MRI to see if that makes a difference. Anyhow, after our journey to Mayo last summer, I thought that after they had found so much other stuff going on within Abram's brain tissue that the pineal cyst would be the least of our worries. Yet, when I specifically asked the Mayo Clinic why we were needing a follow-up MRI this fall - it was literally the pineal cyst that they want to check up on. Specifically to see if it needs "Neurosurgical intervention". Reading that made my stomach sink a little. I knew deep down that it needs to be watched. What they said would be a "slow grower" had doubled in size. What used to be a perfectly round cyst is now shaped like a kidney bean because it is getting squished in the anatomy of his brain as it grows. It makes me nervous. It scares me. I don't like it. But I'm so thankful to have a Hospital that acknowledges it, that wants to follow it and that cares enough to make sure that our son's brain is OKAY. There are so many others with a pineal cystic tumors who are ignored, ridiculed and made to feel that they are mentally ill. They are told that this cannot possibly impact their quality of life but those doctors are wrong. We have sought opinions from individuals across the country from NYU, to Barrows Neurological Institute to Mayo and more. These masses sit right in the center of the brain and press on parts in the deepest recesses of the organ that should never be touched. Sensitivity to light, sound, migraines, seizures, hydrocephalus, Parinaud's Syndrome and more are just a few of the things that can be affected by it. Sleep is something that has eluded Abram since he was a tiny baby - as the pineal gland regulates melatonin and sleep - it isn't much of a surprise. It's just hard that here we are four years later and he still has never slept through the night. It's hard to know it's there and on his bad days it's hard not to jump to conclusions and worry that something bad is about to happen. So, the second week in September, we journey back to MN to check in on the mass in our son's brain and to touch base with Sleep Medicine again. The thought of the MRI gives me anxiety but the thought of not watching it is even scarier. It's hard watching your child never know what it's like to have a good night's sleep. Even the prescribed psychoactive benzodiazepines that our Neuro prescribed for his seizures would allow for him to have a full night's rest. I've learned how to live my life as if I have a newborn every night. I can't imagine how that must feel for Abram - to never have had a full night's sleep.... to never go more than 2-3 hours without waking up screaming. I wish it were easier for Abram. But I will take these months of seizure-freedom and be proud and happy for him. I've learned to just roll with the punches and take things in tiny baby steps as they come. Worrying made me miss out on so much of his baby-hood. I'm not missing out on his toddler days worrying about what could be. If/when he needs to have brain surgery - we will deal with when it comes. And I know that our friends and family will have our backs 199%. Love, Erin Last Friday, my family along with another Iowa family had the great opportunity to meet with US Senator Charles Grassley. The Senator was gracious and allowed us twenty minutes to discuss with him the obstacles our children have faced in regards to their medical history, lack of seizure control before CBD and to discuss the Compassionate Access, Research Expansion, and Respect States Act of 2015, also known as the CARERS Act. Many people in Iowa don't quite understand the gravity of the matter when it comes to US Senator Grassley's involvement in medical cannabis. To our family, not only is Senator Grassley an Iowan, he also sits as Chairman of the Committee on the Judiciary and holds the key to families like mine gaining legality at the Federal Level. Without Senator Grassley allowing the CARERS Act to a vote in the Senate, families like ours will continue to fear being prosecuted at the Federal Level regardless of our state's laws. Senator Grassley was kind enough to get down to the details on the CARERS Act right away. He shared many of his concerns with this bill including the worry that by allowing each state the right to create their own marijuana laws, that the United States would inevitably end up with 50 different marijuana laws. The Senator feels that it is important for marijuana laws to have uniformity regardless of the fact that 23 states already have legalized some form of marijuana. Senator Grassley also shared his concern that smoking marijuana is not supported by medical research. However, the type of medicine we use for our children comes in an oil form and is taken sublingually. The Senator also discussed that he did not care for the banking section of the CARERS Act at all. When I asked if that part of the bill could be discussed and changed if it were allowed to go to vote in the Senate, he said that it could. So as a parent, I am having a hard time fathoming why the CARERS Act is not being allowed to be sent to the Senate for a vote when the items that the Committee on the Judiciary find concerning would actually be up for discussion at that point. As we chatted, our families talked to Senator Grassley about the side effects our children have faced due to pharmaceutical drugs. Abram's quality of life seriously diminished after he was prescribed Clonazepam, a benzodiazepine. I shared with the Senator that according to the FDA, there is no clinical trial experience with Clonazepam in patients under 18, that 30% of the trial patients had nervous system damage resulting in Ataxia, and that the adverse side effects on mental development could not become apparent until many years later. At that point, I presented the Senator with a little informational brochure. The imagery shows the regression of my son on too much benzodiazepine and the progression he made with the addition of the CBD. You can see in Abram's eyes that his life was improving. While looking at this image the Senator's eyes widened and he said: "You really CAN see a difference, can't you?" In addition to the FDA's trials on the particular drugs that reeked havoc on Abram's health, I also brought along the patent held by the United States Department of Health and Human Services that proves that Cannabinoids are safe and non-toxic up to 700mg. Abram only needs a small .10mg dose twice daily to have 100% freedom from physical seizures. I asked Senator Grassley why marijuana was still on the list of Schedule I Drugs when their Patent 6630507 proves marijuana in fact does have medicinal value but I did not get an answer. Senator Grassley just reiterated that there is a lot of movement towards medical marijuana and that research on CBD is not on federal barriers. He reminded us that he and Senator Feinstein wrote letters to the Department of Justice and the Department of Health and Human Services asking them to classify CBD separately from the whole marijuana plant. He also reminded us that the federal government also removed the Public Health Review process that marijuana researchers had to undergo, a move that has allowed marijuana to be studied under the same amount of restrictions as other Schedule I drugs. To give credit where credit is due, Senator Grassley has taken a few steps in the right direction but we need more action from him and our federal government and passing the CARERS Act to the Senate for a vote would be a great step. I tried to explain that CBD has been great for us and although Abram is seizure-free right now, the reality is that with our son's rare UBE2A gene mutation, the need for stronger medicine will most likely be a reality. (People often mistake Abram not having seizures right now as Abram being "cured" and that he'll never have a seizure again. This thought is foolish and I must clarify that regardless of AEDs and CBD, our son's brain is permanently injured, he has a neuronal migration disorder, already has atrophy in his hippocampus and his brain still fires irregularly all the time during the day and during the night. CBD has managed to keep those electrical shocks from manifesting into physical seizures but make no mistake - free of physical seizures does not mean free of abnormal brain activity.) I tried to explain to the Senator that Abram is doing well right now but as he grows the need for a stronger CBD/THC ratio may become a reality sooner than later and that if/when that need arises I will have to break both state and federal laws to do just that if laws stay the way that they are. I intend to fight for Abram's right to that medicine now in hopes that when he needs it; I won't have to continue to worry about being a Felon by doing so. While CBD doesn't help everyone, it does have the power to save lives. CBD has changed my son's life and it has changed the lives of many children that I know and love. I tried showing Senator Grassley as an example that if CBD helped just 10% of the 50,000 Americans that die each year due to seizures, that he himself would be responsible for saving at least 5,000 epileptic lives each year. Senator Grassley seemed a little exasperated at that number and asked why they would continue to push for these laws when "only" 5,000 lives would be saved. That statement took me off guard for several reasons because sitting right before him were two families and two boys whose lives had been changed immensely by CBD. Our sons' lives would be counted amongst those 5,000 lives. Yet, I couldn't help but to wonder what number of lives the Senator would deem worth saving. I would hope that ONE LIFE would be worth fighting for. While I bit my tongue, the other family spoke up and reminded him that that number was only meant as a representation of the epileptic lives he could save each year and that it didn't even include the impact he could have on the other people who suffer from different debilitating diseases and disorders. Luckily, his exasperation at theoretically "only" saving 5,000 epileptic lives annually made a good point as to why we need broader medical cannabis laws. CBD has changed my life, my son's life and the lives of the family who sat along side us in the meeting with Senator Grassley. Our children are proof of the success that children with seizure disorders can have on CBD. Even the Senator himself could see how CBD has changed the life of my son just by looking at the photos I had given him. Our children are a testament to how well CBD can work. However, CBD doesn't work for everyone and I refuse to fight for just part of a plant when my friend's children are still suffering. I also refuse to stop at CBD only because I myself may find that Abram needs something more as he grows and as his brain develops. Abram's gene mutation is rare and the only other family worldwide known to have this specific gene mutation lost a child at 11 to a seizure. I want to ensure that my son has legal access to whatever he may need - whenever he may need it. Alas, our time quickly ran out and after taking our photos with the Senator we went our separate ways. Many thanks to Senator Grassley for taking the time to meet with our families to discuss how CBD has changed our lives and to try to understand how important broader medical cannabis bills are to families in situations similar to ours. Cannabis is medicine. The government has already proven it. There are families being torn apart and lives being uprooted so people in situations similar to mine can give their child a chance at life. Please, take the time to write to your Senators, your Representatives and your Congressmen. Change needs to happen now and we need your help to stand up for what is right and speak for the little ones who don't have a voice. We are not criminals. We are parents just trying to do what is best for our loved ones, same as you. Much love, Abram's Mama Below is more of the "brochure" I made about Abram. Enjoy. Hello, Everyone! I've been trying to make a point of taking a few minutes each day to share something about how Epilepsy affected our family. It's only been a little over a year since we got an official "Epilepsy" diagnosis. However, it has been with us since the day my son was born. Unfortunately, it just took the doctors over three long years to figure it out. As a newborn, my son never stopped screaming, crying, writhing in pain and rarely slept. If he did, it was never longer than a couple of hours and then it was right back to the screaming. Nothing soothed him. Nothing made him feel better, although sometimes the sound of the vacuum would relax him until the moment I dared turn it off. (I read that trick in a colic book.) Our first Pediatrician failed us miserably. He not only missed many genetic markers that are obvious to most other doctors we have met, he brushed off all of my concerns and claimed that I was a "nervous mom" and that my son's issues were nothing more than him "being a little colicky" and "acid reflux". It took the first ten months of his life for someone to listen and even then it was an off-chance meeting with a Pediatrician we'd never met who asked me what was wrong with Abram's eyes and had concerns for his large head. Thanks to that man, we were referred on to Neurology and we started on our journey to answers but they certainly didn't come easy. Since the Summer of 2013, we have seen dozens of specialists including numerous Neurologists, Neurosurgeons, Epileptologists, Nephrologists, Endocrinologists, Geneticists, ENTs, Developmental Specialists, Cranio-Facial Surgeons, Orthopaedic Surgeons, Physiatrists and more. Last month was literally the first month where Abram did not have to go to the Hospital or have any Doctor's Appointments since the day he was born!!! We spent it going on lots of walks, attending all of his therapies, going on a train ride, going on a horse-drawn wagon and checking out a Fire Truck at our tiny town's Halloween shindig. It was incredibly refreshing to have a month off. Yesterday, we traveled to our University Hospital again where we had a follow-up with Abram's Developmental Specialist. She stated that I am doing everything that I CAN do, so that was a relief. We were informed that with the new "Neuronal Migration Disorder" diagnoses that he now qualifies for the Brain Injury Waiver and for the Health and Disability Waiver in our state - so if he should ever outgrow his current Intellectual Disability Waiver - we will have already applied for the other Waivers in hopes of never having a lapse in his care. The Mayo Clinic gifted us an answer after we'd been fighting for so long to get one. I feel lucky that we have a wonderful Pediatrician (she started her own Special Needs Kids' Clinic) who went to bat for us to be able to get us there. It took five long months of waiting to get the referral but it was well worth it. If you are fighting for a Diagnosis for your child, don't give up. I know that it's a long and difficult road. I personally had a lot of people ask me why I wanted a diagnosis, it is just a "label" after all. I cannot disagree more with that thought at all. For us, a diagnoses meant everything. We needed to know what caused our son's Epilepsy and Global Developmental Delays so we could know how to best treat it. What we finally learned at Mayo explained the cause, which in turn can help us with his treatments. The information and "labels" that we got will help us help give him the best possible life by giving him the therapies that he needs the most. Some of his new diagnoses include a Neuronal Migration Disorder (Cortical Dysplasia), issues with his hippocami twisting and Mesial Temporal Lobe Sclerosis. These issues explain nearly all of his other symptoms and diagnoses. There is no treatment or cure for his migration disorder and they types of seizures he suffers from do not have a surgical approach that can help them. What we can do is keep doing what we are already doing: therapy and lots of it. Abram is currently in Speech, Occupational Therapy and Feeding Therapy. He "graduated" Physical therapy when he started walking but he will have to go back within the next couple of years so he can learn how to conquer things like going up and down stairs and jumping. He lost his words with his last round of serious neurological issues last spring and has yet to regain them but he is beginning to make more and more sounds and is finally able to point and use a pincher grasp at 3! Abram's life is changing. It's not easy. It's a lot of work for him but he doesn't know it any other way. His fierce willingness to fight for mobility, to speak and to keep fighting to learn and re-learn how to do that blows any of my life's issues out of the water. This kid is incredible. He's my little fighter. My little badass. My little Abram Mayhem. I'm sitting here with tears rolling down my cheeks and I don't really know why. Well, I know why.. I have a hundred different reasons to cry but today it just seems like my seams are coming unstitched a bit. Things have been hard since the moment Abram came into this world. I have been trying my hardest to handle the hurdles in our life with as much grace as possible but I have my moments (days, hours, seconds) of just sheer agony and a lot of weeping and then I feel guilty because so many other moms/families have it harder than we do. Yet then there is this anger.... resentment (?)... jealousy of the life that my little boy will never have. I try my hardest not to cry or feel sorry for my family and for my little boy but today is one of those days where I want to run outside and scream at the sky about how god damned unfair it all is and how angry I am. Since my last post we saw an Orthopaedic Surgeon and Abram just underwent his second "high contrast" MRI yesterday. The Orthopaedic Surgeon informed us that Abram's Hypotonia is the result of nerve damage due to his difficult birth. We were informed that he may never walk and told us that we "could do Physical Therapy until we were blue in the face" and that it wouldn't make a difference. He told me that Abram's hypotonia has more to do with time and the nerves having to re-route themselves. I was heartbroken and left feeling defeated. Abram will never know the difference in what he can and cannot do but as his mama it is painful to see other kids enjoying things while my little boy doesn't really seem to enjoy much. It hurts me to see that he doesn't take enjoyment in the things normal kids enjoy and it's hard to have play-dates when he cries at any high-pitched noise because it literally physically hurts him to hear them. I feel pretty alone and lost on the inside. Most of Abram's days have been hard ones. This poor kid has never gotten a break. He has almost always been in pain and fussing. Only, the part that is the worst is that he can't tell me what hurts. He can't tell me what is bothering him. All he knows to do is to cry and to fuss and all that I know is there is nothing that I can do right now to make him more comfortable. He always seems to be hurting and I don't know how to help him or how to make it better. There is no pill to make my kid feel better. There is no magic potion to help him with his Hypotonia. There is no cure for that god damned thing growing in his brain (other than the very dangerous and invasive brain surgery he will have to endure). I am literally unable to do the one thing all moms are supposed to be able to do and that is to make my little baby boy feel better. So if you are reading this and you have a healthy child... be thankful. Rejoice in the fact that your child can walk, talk, run and play. Remember that when your child has the flu, a bad day or a toothache that those things will pass and most likely for you - tomorrow (or next week) will be a better day. Right now, I guess I just feel lost. RIght now, I want to yell WHY ME?! WHY MY CHILD?! But then I have to remember that somewhere.... someone doesn't have their son or daughter. I have to remember that even though things are hard that this life is a gift and I have to try to enjoy every single moment as much as I can. I have to remember that although Abram's life won't be easy.... that it's his life to live and I cannot and will not succumb to self pity and anger and regret for what could have been for him. These are the unfortunate cards my son has been given and we will overcome it or live with it. There is no other option. I have my son. I have my family. I have my friends. I have an incredible support system and people that care. I have a lot to be thankful for. I also have the right to have a bad day. It's so hard to go through all of this without hitting an emotional bump in the road. For now... we wait for the results of that second MRI and hope for the best. |
About MeHello! My name is Erin. I am Abram's mom, a tireless advocate for UBE2A Deficiency Syndrome and a fierce proponent for medical cannabis. MOST POPULAR BlOG ENTRYJOIN US
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